Ok, so reading this you may think I am an overprotective mother. Or i worry too much. Or I am a fool. Or all of the above! You see, this whole situation started just over a week ago when a letter arrived in the post addressed to Dexter. Lee had gone downstairs to fetch our first slim fast shake of the day (a post on diet is to follow) while i fed Dexter his breakfast bottle. When he returned he was holding the shakes and a piece of paper in his hand.
"Dexter's had a letter. He's booked in to have his injections next Tuesday"
Oh goddddd! My poor baby! The thought of seeing Dexter upset or in pain is not a pleasant one. I'm not sure if it stems back to when he was two days old. We were still in the hospital and everything seemed to be going well. The midwives were helping me to breast feed Dexter which had always been my intention from the moment i found out i was pregnant. It's always echoed to mums to be and new mums that 'breast is best', so you do also feel slightly pushed towards it as you obviously want to do right by your baby. It was a Thursday and I was sat in our little cubicle on the bed, trying to console this tiny little person who i still had so much to learn about and still hadn't got used to yet...and nothing was working! This particular day, Lee couldn't come to the hospital until 6pm normal visiting time, as opposed to the partners 10am-10pm visiting hours. So there i was, panicking, thinking about how i was such a rubbish mother because I couldn't even console my own baby, and getting more and more worked up in the process. Hot salty tears rolled down my cheeks and all I could think about was how much i needed Lee there with me and how lost i felt being kept in hospital away from him. Needless to say, this thought process didn't really help the whole crying situation. I found myself counting down the hours, minutes and seconds until 6pm came around, all while attempting to breast feed and rock to sleep a baby who was now so worked up and red in the face, he looked like an angry cherry tomato!
6pm finally came around and my phone lit up. It was my mom telling me there was a lot of traffic on the motorway and they weren't going to get to me until about half past (Lee was bringing my mom and sister with him to visit on this particular day). I could feel the tears welling up again after reading this. You see, when you're in hospital, no matter wether you're having a baby or otherwise, your whole day revolves around people visiting you. It's all you look forward to from the end of visiting time one day to the beginning of visiting time the next. It's the last thing you think about at night and the first thing you think about in the morning. Other than actually being discharged and being able to finally go home, of course! So this really was the final straw after the day from hell. I'm ashamed to admit it, but i actually started to regret having a baby in the first place. That's how bad i felt. Then I felt guilty for thinking like that as, although it was a particularly tough day, i loved my little baby to pieces. This thought made me cry again (i think you can probably see a pattern emerging here!) Please keep in mind that I had had no sleep for a few days by the point , so i think this exacerbated the problem ten fold!
Finally, after another 20 minutes of crying and feeling sorry for myself while Dexter sobbed his little heart out, the curtain to my little cubicle opened and there stood Lee, my mom and my sister. I can't tell you the relief i felt seeing their faces. You'll never guess how i reacted? Yes...i cried. At this point, I think i was that dehydrated from all of the crying, I was the equivalent of a human pork scratching! I could barely utter any words, i thrust Dexter towards Lee and said 'I can't do it'. Then yes, you've guessed it, cried some more. I think they were all really shocked at how upset i was and how worked up I'd become. My mom and sister were telling me how you have good and bad days being a mom and this just happens to be a particularly bad one. Lee went to have a word with the midwives because, what i didn't tell you, i only saw a midwife twice in that whole day of him crying and me crying. I hadn't even been able to get dressed or go to the loo because Dexter was that bad, so i also felt grubby and a bit of a mess really.
Thankfully, I haven't had a day like that since. I can still see Dexters angry red face, his mouth open and gums on show as he cries and screams though if i think about it. So i do think this is why I was worrying so much about him having these injections, because i never wanted to see his sad face ever again.
When the day of his injections finally came around, the dread was amplified. Lee had to pop out for a couple of hours beforehand, so I got up and got myself and Dexter ready, gave his his breakfast and made sure he had everything he needed in his changing bag. Lee came back and we got in the car to go to the doctors. The waiting room was pretty empty, but there was another couple sitting across the room with their baby who was also having her first injections. I gave myself a little pep talk in my head about how i need to pull myself together and stop being such a wet blanket. It was Dexter having the injections after all, what did I have to be nervous about? All of a sudden, Dexters name flashed onto the screen telling us which room to take him to. There were two nurses in there who explained what was going to happen and Lee signed the consent form to say we were happy for this to take place. I was cuddling Dexter tight and taking his trousers and socks off (they have an injection in each leg). First up was the polio vaccine, which they squirt gradually into baby's mouth from a syringe. He was alright with this one! Next up were the needles which, by the way, were massive! I had to hold his knee really tightly so he didn't kick out and his hand so that he didn't wave his arm around and knock the needle. The needle went in and there was a piercing shriek from Dexter, then a red face and a few tears. I was making every effort not to cry myself to be honest, which Lee found highly amusing! I then had to turn Dexter around so that the other leg could be injected. He had stopped crying at this point, as if he thought it was all over. I think that's why the shriek was louder and the face redder this time around! The nurse put a little plaster on his second injection site as there was a tiny bit of blood and I started to get his trousers and socks back on ready for the freezing wind and rain outside. I cuddled him and he nodded straight off! The nurses said how good he was as some babies scream the place down and cry uncontrollably for ages! I was just glad it was all over!
So if you ever feel like, or have felt like, a rubbish mom. Or if you can't seem to calm your baby down. Or if you worry or have worried about your baby. Please remember, it's only because you love them so much and care about them that these things upset you. By the way, the reason Dexter was so upset that day in the hospital is because I wasn't producing enough milk to satisfy his crazy appetite. I didn't find this out until we were discharged and he wouldn't stop crying and crying. Lee went out at 3am to buy formula (luckily i had already bought bottles as i intended to express milk at some stage) and as soon as the teat touched his lips he stopped crying and started guzzling it down like there was no tomorrow! So you see, there's nothing stronger than motherly instinct. Trust yours and you can't go far wrong! Having a baby with someone lovely and supportive helps too by the way!
Until next time...
Much love, Laura xx
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