Friday 9 December 2016

Six degrees of separation

Right. So this was never going to be the easiest post to write, nor is it a post i ever thought i would need to write at any stage. 
Lee and i split up.
Before i begin to write more, i just want to inform you that this post and all other subsequent posts won't be for the purpose of bashing my ex. Despite the way things have turned out, Lee is still Dexters Dad and i don't want my blog to become a place of negativity and animosity.
I do, however, have to address the elephant in the room. 
My blog cannot continue as if Lee never even existed so i have to, without going into too much detail, explain what happened on some level.

Ok, so the last time i felt close to Lee was on holiday. It was September this year and we had decided to hire a lodge for the week in Somerset. We were so looking forward to spending some family time together as Lee had been so bogged down with work and the various work based qualifications he was doing. I was unbelievably proud of all of the effort he was going to to try and secure a career and a future for our family, but acknowledged that he massively needed a break from it all. The lodge itself was lovely and so close to Cheddar Gorge, surrounded by beautiful rolling hills and picturesque  countryside, ideal for getting away from it all. 
We had lots planned and took Dexter out everyday, Lee even drove all the way to Southampton so we could visit Peppa Pig World. If you haven't been, i highly recommend it by the way!
The last day of our trip, a friday, it was our 4 year anniversary. We took Dexter to a huge wildlife park before taking the long journey back home. 
I look back at it now and i really couldn't see it coming. I remember us being stuck in traffic and playing the numberplate game, crying laughing at each others stupid answers. It's basically when you take the letters from a numberplate and use them to make a stupid sentence. And by stupid, i mean usually rude! I also remember us laughing our heads off at how bumpy Grandpa pigs boat ride was at Peppa Pig world. Then i think about the friday when Lee was driving to the wildlife park and he grabbed my hand and kissed it and told me he loved me. 
We took Dexter to Weston Super Mare on the first day there, and we walked along the seafront. He took me there once before when we had just started dating, and we'd walked in the moonlight and talked about the future. Well it was exactly the same, but just under 4 years on with a little one in tow. We talked about our wedding, buying a house, getting a new car, having more kids. I literally couldn't have been more happy if i tried.

The next part is the worst. As i said earlier, i'm not going to go into too much detail. All i can say is that i was made aware that we were splitting up about 2 weeks after returning from that holiday. I could sense something was off during that time, but just put it down to post holiday blues. Either that or i was too scared to ask incase it was the inevitable. During that time, we bickered. He would be distant, on his phone all the time, late from work and this wound me up. Don't get me wrong though, i wasn't without my issues. I had anxiety that had gone untreated for so long, it had made me frightened to even leave the house at times. I had a massive problem trusting people which in turn, made me paranoid that everyone around me was out to betray me. This could not have been easy to live with at all. I had gone from being bubbly, friendly and outgoing to possessive, suspicious and, essentially, a nervous wreck. 
To cut a long story short, Lee told me he was thinking of leaving me on a wednesday morning. I remember because i had planned to drive over to his parents house and take Dexter to see them. I still did this, and i really don't know how i did. His mom and i took Dexter to the park and i spent the whole time hugging her and crying. I hoped it was all just some horrible nightmare and that he'd change his mind. 
I cried. She cried. It was one of the worst days i have ever experienced.
People often try to describe heartbreak, and you really don't understand the feeling until you go through it. I felt like my soul had been crushed and there was a deep physical pain in my chest that just wouldn't go away. I spent day after day crying, but trying so hard not to as Lee was still living with me at the time. I tried to convince myself that if i made more effort, sought help for my anxiety and acted nicely towards him, he would see that i was still the same girl he fell in love with four years before and change his mind. 
So stupidly, i made sure his washing was done, cooked him food, tidied our bedroom, lit scented candles, ran him baths...but all to no avail.
His mind was already made up and all i had been holding onto was false hope. I was trying to hold onto the family we had built, but it had completely slipped through my fingers. 
I looked at Dexter and felt like a complete and utter failure. After we had lost our first baby, all i had ever wanted was to bring a little one into the world who we could love and cherish as much as we loved and cherished each other. A kid who would look up to us and admire how strong our relationship stayed. We always used to joke that we were Mick and Linda Carter from Eastenders. Solid as a rock and together for years and years, making our kids cringe at our OTT displays of affection and terms of endearment. I tried to watch Eastenders once since Lee left and all it did was make me cry.
So, after telling me on the Wednesday that he was thinking of leaving, he spent four more days with us. They were unbelievably difficult days filled with worry and mistrust. He assured me that he would have some time to himself and that he could still see us having more kids together and that he still loved me. So off he went after work on the following monday, taking a small bag of clothes and toiletries with him.
I will never forget that first night without him. It was the closest i had been to hell on Earth since my miscarriage. I put one of his hoodies on, cuddled up to his pillow and cried the whole night. My engagement ring was a constant reminder of the fact that i had failed at the one thing i thought i was doing right in life...keeping my family happy. 
Everything felt so difficult then. I couldn't eat, sleep or function normally and i was struggling to settle into my new role as a single parent. I was so angry because i hadn't asked for any of this!
I remember sitting on my phone, googling which were the best sleeping tablets to take for a successful overdose. I became obsessed with the idea of ending my own life because i just couldn't take all of this pain anymore.
Luckily, during the time i was trying to hold onto Lee, i had made an appointment with my GP to address my anxiety and depression and finally acknowledge i had a problem. The day finally arrived and i reluctantly  went along, only to spend 10 minutes sobbing my heart out to my very lovely and understanding doctor. She gave me some tablets to help me sleep, referred me to a counsellor and booked me in for a fasting blood test that week to determine if there were any underlying health issues that could be exacerbating my anxiety and depression. She seemed to think i had post natal depression which, because i had left it untreated, had manifested itself as severe depression and anxiety. Since leaving the hospital with Dexter, i had become so psychotic i had convinced myself that if i told my health visitor how i was feeling, they would take Dexter away. So every questionnaire she presented me with, i lied and circled the answers she wanted to see. 
I saw my miscarriage as letting Lee down and me losing his chance of Fatherhood, so i wasn't prepared to risk losing another child by telling anyone i was suffering with my own thoughts.

Moving on to the present day...
Lee has been living with another woman ever since he left and they are together and happy. I have to admit, i struggled with it all a lot initially. In fact, it nearly killed me. But i have done my fair share of shouting at him about all of his wrongdoings and he has shouted back at me about mine, so i guess it's all water under the bridge now.

I have actually been a lot better since Lee left, which are words i never thought i would say. The first month or so was hell, but time is a great healer. 
I managed to see a counsellor, who is brilliant and i am pleased to say i have since been signed off for suicidal thoughts. I actually can't remember the last time i thought about ending my life, and it feels great to have come so far. I am also currently on no medication and have found out i am actually anaemic, so have regular B12 injections to help with that. In turn, they have boosted my metabolism massively, and i have lost just under two stone in weight. 
My confidence has sky rocketed and my anxiety levels have dropped massively. I find it much easier to leave the house now and i get out really regularly with Dexter. I have been panic attack free for well over a month now and i feel much less tense in built up areas and crowds than i did a few moths ago. It feels like i've voluntarily locked myself in a cage for years and have finally had the courage to use the key and explore a little. I cannot tell you how much courage i have had to muster to do that.
I have even been on a few dates, with the same lovely guy might i add! Won't go into that here though...
Looking to the future, I have looked into training to be a midwife. It's something i had always had an interest in but more so since becoming a mother myself. Seeing all the hard work the midwives at the hospital put in day in day out to help me when i had pre eclampsia, then how they nursed me back to health after my emergency c section, it just inspired me to want to help other mums.
So i am applying to start a health and social care level three course in September of next year, which i can then go on to university with and become a fully fledged midwife! I'm so enjoying feeling ambitious again after such a long time!
Other than that, who knows what the future will bring.

Today i have found difficult because i was sorting out Lee's paperwork etc and came across cards to each other from various christmases, fathers days, mother days and birthdays. They were hard to read and i admit, i had a little cry. Not because i hold onto hope that he still means the words he wrote back then, or that i still love him. 
It just brought all of the hurt flooding back.
In all honesty, i don't think i'll ever fully understand what happened. We both have our cross to bear and no one is claiming to be perfect.
All i want now is for our very broken and disjointed family to somehow work together. 
For our sanity.
Ultimately, for Dexter.

Until next time,
Laura 
XxxX