Hello you lovely people!
So this past month or so has not really treated me well. I guess this is where i go into all of the why's and what for's.
Many of you who read this blog know me personally, whether you are my family, friends, previous colleagues, acquaintances...a lot of you have crossed my path at some point on this crazy journey called life. There are also many of you who have never met me. You don't know what my laugh sounds like, or where i grew up, my interests or my morals. You essentially know what you read on this blog. This is exactly why i spend such a long time carefully planning what i say and how i say it, as what i write on here isn't just a passing comment, forgotten minutes later. What i write here can be seen by anyone, anywhere in the world at any time of the day or night as long as my blog remains live. So when i talk about negative things, i hate the thought of people thinking i'm a negative person.
So then the question is, how do i talk about the past few months while remaining my usual happy go lucky self?
I find the answer lies in where i focus my attention.
I find writing about the negatives helps me to let them go. It's really cathartic. Then i can move on and focus much more on where my life is heading.
Lee got married.
Yes. My ex, Dexter's dad, My fiancé up until 7 months ago, the person i was convinced was the love of my life, got married.
I mean, my Macbook password still has his name in it. My personal email address still has his name and surname in it. I suppose it just felt weird getting rid of them, almost like our relationship never existed. It's barely been half a year, so i suppose it just never dawned on me that he would do this so soon. I mean, how well do you know someone after a few months?
Or for that matter, how well do you know someone after four years?
But here i am, 7 months and around two weeks to the day that he told me he was going to live on his own for a while. Needless to say, he didn't live on his own at all.
But do you know what confuses me the most?
I have known him for around five and a half years, been in a relationship with him for four, engaged to him for three and a half...and i have never seen him cry as much as i have the past 7 months.
When he is frantically telling people he is the happiest he has ever been.
Some people believe him. I have read absolutely horrible comments about me by people who have never met me and who don't know me at all. About how i must have made him so unhappy and about what a horrible person i must be. Even some calling into question how good a mother i am.
I think this is why, even now, i still get choked up when my ex mother in law gives me a cuddle or when my ex sister in law tells me how well i'm doing.
I surely can't be horrible after all?
What's terrible is that because of these comments, i spent a long time questioning myself. I would sit and wonder why they thought these things about me and what i could do to prove that i am just a normal girl who had a baby with someone she trusted implicitly and got her heart broken.
But you know what?
I don't need to prove myself to anyone.
The past 7 months have been difficult enough without dwelling on who said what.
I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that there may always be songs i can't listen to without crying, places i can't visit without reminiscing, people who will always give me funny looks because of their unfounded and entirely irrational negativity towards me and movies that will always take me back to cosy evenings in bed, laughing hysterically while feeling safe in the knowledge that this person is definitely my person.
While scrolling through Facebook this week, i found a meme which read; 'Being in love is handing someone a gun, letting them point it at your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger'.
That really resonated with me.
Part of me is still so sad, so full of hurt and disappointment. The pain in my chest is still there everytime Lee's name is mentioned, but i can feel it diminishing ever so slightly with each passing month. I still can't look at him without wondering what i did that was so wrong that he would do this, knowing i would cry myself to sleep, knowing how i struggle to trust anyone and ultimately knowing how much i trusted him. I suppose i'll never really know.
Lee leaving, however, made me look at my role as a mother. I was now, suddenly, on my own and in charge of the future of a little boy who relies on me. I thought about the message i was sending my son by moping around and dwelling on a situation i simply had no control over.
I got help for my anxiety and depression.
I enrolled at college.
I looked into university.
I enquired about nursery places for Dexter.
For the first time in a long time, i was relying on myself and my own ability to shape not only my future, but my sons future too.
My dream is to make Dexter proud of me. I want him to grow up knowing that no matter what situation is thrown at his Mom, she fights back and turns a negative into a positive. I want him to know that everything i do, i do with him and the end goal in mind.
One day, i want Dexter and i to be tearing down the 'For Sale' sign in the front garden of our new house.
To bring in all of the boxes, slump on our new sofa and say 'we did it'.
So in September, my journey to becoming a midwife begins. And although i am asked so often about why i chose that career path, knowing it's not the most glamorous, i know that the day i became a mother is one i will cherish for the rest of my life. Being a part of that story on a daily basis for other new parents will be an absolute honour.
As bittersweet as this journey is without a partner to share to with, i have found inner strength that i had no idea i even had! I suppose i just hope that Lee and i are able to focus on co parenting Dexter to the best of our ability and work together to make his childhood as wonderful as he deserves it to be.
As for me, I just can't wait to wear my cap and gown 💗
Lots of love,