Ok, so i'm typing this at 12.30am on the fourth day of the new year and i cannot sleep. My insomnia is driving me insane, but pouring out my thoughts can sometimes help me relax enough to shut my eyes...so here goes.
I loathe dating.
There. I said it.
I am specifically referring to online dating, which i have tried for the last couple of months. The endless, 'who the hell is this guy and why does he keep asking for pics' is an eternal, eye rolling bore. Then of course, the Bridget Jones style sob fest on your own in your pyjamas when you're feeling particularly lonely, wondering if anyone really has ever loved you or if it was all a figment of your slightly warped imagination.
I've been on a few dates since Lee and i parted ways, i won't lie. I do feel very lucky when i say i've never actually been on a bad date, because every bloke i've dated has actually been very sweet. There has, however, only been one guy who i've been on multiple dates with.
So why do i hate dating if i've never been on a bad date?
Because i'm a mom, that's why.
I have actually discovered a few things about myself while looking for a potential partner. Some of these being:
1. I like a guy to make me laugh.
2. I am scarily drawn to tattoos and beards
3. I will sometimes talk to guys i don't actually find attractive, purely because they have sick tattoos (i am aware i need help)
4. I have discovered awesome tattoos do not,a personality, make...😏
5. As above but for beards
6. I realise what i actually really need is a guy who is a bit of a weirdo (like me) and has decent banter, but will also be a good father figure for Dexter.
Now when i say father figure, no one replaces Dexters actual Dad. What i mean is, this is very much a love me, love my son kind of deal and it would be beneficial to have a guy around who would genuinely care for Dexter as well as me. This is what's difficult. How do you gauge that from a few dates, a few texts, a few phone calls even? It's pretty much impossible.
I have been on dates with three guys in total, only one of which has taken me out on more than one date. I usually like to date guys who already have at least one child, so that they already understand that my son comes first and they are less likely to be daunted at the prospect that they may one day meet Dex.
But sadly, this isn't always the case. The first guy i ever spoke to since Lee and i split ticked all of the boxes. He was good looking, witty, had a child, a good job, he was stylish and a little nerdy. He even had tattoos and a beard! We spoke constantly for a couple of weeks, resulting in him asking me out on a date and i was amazed. My little naive heart couldn't believe it's luck. I had found someone i clicked with from the get go! We would send each other little videos talking about our day, or we'd FaceTime and chat in our dressing gowns. I was quietly confident that this was it. Sadly not.
One Sunday morning, exactly one week before our date, i noticed he had unfriended me on Facebook. Then came the unfollows elsewhere, i couldn't believe it. I sent him a text but he'd blocked my number. I honestly felt so hurt, i cried. I felt my heart break all over again. I didn't love him, but i felt so much potential...and now it was all gone. Filled with questions, i sent him a Facebook message. It was naively worded as if he had accidentally clicked 'unfriend', full of 'sorry if...' and 'are you alright'. He read it and i got no reply. About five hours passed and i sent my final message to him, just saying how i wish he would just tell me what i'd done wrong, but that i won't bother him again. He read it...but i never did get my reply.
Back then, i judged him by my standards. A guy who had a little girl couldn't possibly treat someone elses little girl badly? A guy with a daughter would treat a woman how he would want his daughter to be treated in the future, right? Wrong! This is exactly why i hate internet dating, it's so easy for people to flit in and out of your life at any second, and there's absolutely nothing you can do at all to control it.
It has happened to me a couple of times since, but it just goes over my head now. It's like i've become hardened to it because it's the norm in the online dating circles, but it's making me bitter.
I feel like i've gone from being naive and believing in love, to thinking everyone i speak to is a jerk until they prove otherwise, and i hate it. I can't blame this entirely on the dating, but also on past experiences too. However, i am thinking of just giving up on it, at least for the foreseeable future, and focusing on Dexter and i. If in the meantime i meet someone, that's obviously a bonus. I just hate the thought that this could actually make me very cynical about men and love in general.
And just to think five months ago, i thought my life was finally happy. It just goes to show that none of us know what's in store for us, good or bad.
until next time...
Laura Xxx
