I know this post is going to be a lot less upbeat than usual, but it's a subject i've been thinking about a lot lately. It all started on Tuesday. Lee and i had taken Dexter out to Sutton and had a TGI fridays as my belated birthday meal (see my previous post). We hadn't been home long before my phone started ringing and, looking at the screen, saw that it was my sister. I answered and could tell straight away that she was crying.
"Are you alright? What's going on?" I asked.
"No, not really. Tom's been killed" she replied.
I couldn't even believe what i was hearing. Tom was my sisters ex husbands brother and only a little older than myself. I know to anyone reading this, it sounds like the family connection we had was far too distant for his death to have any sort of profound effect on me, but you would be wrong.
You see, my sister and her then boyfriend, Andy, started seeing each other when i was about 7. Andy came to school plays, family meals, even tucked me up in bed at night. To me, he was like the big brother i never had. Then, as Lisa and Andy became more serious and moved in together, that's when i met Tom.
Tom was around 18 months older than me, with mousy brown hair and a love of all things WWF (which is what WWE was called at the time). My sister was soon having a baby who turned out to be my lovely niece, Lili, and Tom and I became not only a young Auntie and Uncle but also young Godparents. Tom was quite shy and unassuming whereas i was a bit louder and a bit of a fool! To be honest, i always felt like a total loser as i was chubby with mousy blonde hair and spots all over my podgy red face. Think Chunk from the goonies with a blonde wig, and you're probably not too far off. As you can imagine, my appearance caused me to be picked on at school, so i never really felt worthy of friendship, especially if i thought the other person was cooler then myself (which wasn't hard, i can tell you!)
Tom, however, was different to the boys i went to school with. He was kind and intelligent and actually had opinions. I always remember him becoming obsessed with Limp Bizkit and constantly wearing a 'chocolate starfish and hotdog flavoured water' hoodie. He was the person who got me into rock music and i actually used to look forward to talking to him when i visited my sister and Andy's house. As we got older, we would both talk about the bands we were into, as i had become well and truly hooked on rock music and had ditched my pop music loving past self. I also started to gain a lot of confidence as i had dyed my hair a lovely shiny raven black and lost a lot of weight. I honestly think I looked up to Tom more than i ever realised at the time. He was the first lad i had ever met who wasn't an idiot or a bully and i really liked that.
Years passed like this until he met the lovely Sonja, who would later become his wife. When they got married, My sister and Andy had recently split up but we were all still invited to their wedding celebration, as their actual wedding ceremony was in Mexico. I remember seeing how happy he and Sonja were and feeling so thrilled for them. It then hit me that i might never see them again and that everything was now going to change. I got upset and Andy and Tom gave me a big hug, and i remember never wanting to let them go.
Sadly, the inevitable happened and i never really did get to see the two people i had considered big brothers for so long. Tom ended up having two lovely daughters with Sonja and Andy met someone else and recently had a new baby. I never forgot all of the memories we shared though and hope i don't for as long as i live.
RIP Tom Xxx
So as you can tell, since my sister told me the news, i've been thinking a hell of a lot. Since i became a Mom, my ability to empathise has been overwhelming. I found myself thinking not only about Tom and hoping he wasn't in any pain when he died, but also about his parents and his wife. I looked at Dexter and thought about only having him in my life for 26 years and having to watch helplessly as he passed away, unable to do anything to help. How painful it must be to bury your child. It breaks my heart to even think about how difficult it would be for me personally. I also put myself in his wife, Sonja's, position. I look at Lee and have absolutely no idea how i would cope without him. Not only because he is the father of my child but also because he is my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. Losing him would be like losing my right arm. Then there's the task of explaining to Dexter where his Daddy is. I know at the age he is now, it would be difficult to explain such a thing as he can't understand fully what i was saying or talk back to me. Sadly, Toms daughters are old enough to miss him, have memories with him and find it hard to understand why their daddy's gone. Which brings me to the title of this blog post. How do you tell a child about death? The truth is, there's no step by step guide or Haynes manual on how to help your children, or even yourself, deal with the grief and pain of losing someone who was so important in your life. It's something you never ever get over, but just gets slightly easier to deal with in time. I hope i am never in the position where i have to break such bad news to my son, or have to do the unthinkable and bury my child.
I only hope that you all hug your partners and children a little closer after reading this and thank God, or your lucky stars, or whatever you believe in, that you aren't in the position that Tom's family is in now. Tell them you love them each and every day, at every opportunity. You never know when it'll be the last time.
Stay safe, Much love
Laura Xxx
PS. If you want to donate at all to help Sonja with Toms funeral costs, please click on the link below
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