Yes, this is one of those moany, mopey, 'woe is me' blog posts which are written to make you feel immensely sorry for me and how utterly awful i feel about myself at this current moment in time. It's a definite on/off feeling but one that,when it takes hold, is a soul destroying, gut wrenching kind of feeling. You are that little child in a cartoon who's dropped their ice cream and the ice cream van has driven away so there's not a chance of another.
Luckily, it's not a feeling i have often. Probably once a week to a couple of weeks. It can be triggered by anything, but today the trigger has been my reflection.
Silly, right? I look to the left of me and see a beautiful, innocent baby sleeping in his cot. A baby i endured immense pain for. A baby who is, in himself, is a symbol of my inner strength. But I get beaten by something as simple as my reflection!
Now, before I was a mummy, I was a bit vain. It all started when I was a little girl. My Mom told me that I was so in love with my own reflection, i used to stare in shop windows at it whenever we went out! This continued for a long long time. But as I got older, I got chubbier and the chubbier i got, the more i got picked on. So I started to see my reflection as kind of a status symbol. If my reflection was slim with perfect skin and not a hair out of place, I was a good person. Maybe even a likeable person. Someone people wanted to be friends with. If, however, my reflection was looking plump with a few spots and blackheads and there was a piece of hair with a kink in it that I couldn't straighten out no matter how hard i tried, I was a very negative person. Someone who had their head down all day and who didn't want people to look at them for fear that they would notice what an undesirable person I was and laugh at me or leave me on my own.
Sadly, this has continued into my adult years. And today, even though I have a beautiful son and a gorgeous fiancé, i find myself being my own worst critic. I stared into the mirror today, and i just wanted to cry. My size 12 body has been replaced with a size 14-16 one, my hair is in desperate need of dye, I have dry skin on my nose (which i find myself obsessing over), my clothes are tired and worn and, to be honest, i just feel ugly.
What worries me more than anything though is that my fiancé will find someone who is much prettier and I'll just be the ex who he picks our son up from to take to the park with his glamorous new girlfriend. I then imagine what that girlfriend would look like. Perfect blonde hair and deep blue eyes...and not forgetting the size 8 figure to boot. And there's me. Old frumpy pants. Waving my son off, while holding back tears, wishing i was her. The thought of Lee being with someone else then makes tears prickle in my eyes because, although I may not be a model, no one will ever love him like i do. And he will never truly understand how deeply i love him with all of my heart and soul.
And all of these thoughts and feelings are stirred from looking in a mirror! So I have decided that enough is enough. I can only change my reflection with hard work but,wherever I am on my journey to my perfect reflection, the person staring back at me is a good, honest, kind generous, loving , caring and strong fiancee and mother who does not need to give in to those feelings!
Dr Seuss had the right idea-
'Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'!
And that just about sums it up! So all those Mummies who are, like me, looking at their post pregnancy body and thinking long winded irrational thoughts, you're not alone! And if you're maybe not a mommy, but have a friend who is feeling down and looking at themselves in a negative way, give them a huge hug and remind them of all the good, positive things they bring to the world! If we all did that, maybe there would be a few less, to quote Ned Flanders, 'negative nellies' in the world and new mommies would feel a little less isolated and self conscious! It's a tough old journey, Life, but we can make it a much smoother, happier one for each other!
Much love, Laura Xxx
'Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind'!
And that just about sums it up! So all those Mummies who are, like me, looking at their post pregnancy body and thinking long winded irrational thoughts, you're not alone! And if you're maybe not a mommy, but have a friend who is feeling down and looking at themselves in a negative way, give them a huge hug and remind them of all the good, positive things they bring to the world! If we all did that, maybe there would be a few less, to quote Ned Flanders, 'negative nellies' in the world and new mommies would feel a little less isolated and self conscious! It's a tough old journey, Life, but we can make it a much smoother, happier one for each other!
Much love, Laura Xxx
My world x
No comments:
Post a Comment