I saw sparks...

Hello you lovely people!

So this past month or so has not really treated me well. I guess this is where i go into all of the why's and what for's.

Many of you who read this blog know me personally, whether you are my family, friends, previous colleagues, acquaintances...a lot of you have crossed my path at some point on this crazy journey called life. There are also many of you who have never met me. You don't know what my laugh sounds like, or where i grew up, my interests or my morals. You essentially know what you read on this blog. This is exactly why i spend such a long time carefully planning what i say and how i say it, as what i write on here isn't just a passing comment, forgotten minutes later. What i write here can be seen by anyone, anywhere in the world at any time of the day or night as long as my blog remains live. So when i talk about negative things, i hate the thought of people thinking i'm a negative person. 

So then the question is, how do i talk about the past few months while remaining my usual happy go lucky self? 

I find the answer lies in where i focus my attention. 

I find writing about the negatives helps me to let them go. It's really cathartic. Then i can move on and focus much more on where my life is heading.

So...here goes.

Lee got married.

Yes. My ex, Dexter's dad, My fiancé up until 7 months ago, the person i was convinced was the love of my life, got married. 

I mean, my Macbook password still has his name in it. My personal email address still has his name and surname in it. I suppose it just felt weird getting rid of them, almost like our relationship never existed. It's barely been half a year, so i suppose it just never dawned on me that he would do this so soon. I mean, how well do you know someone after a few months?

Or for that matter, how well do you know someone after four years?

But here i am, 7 months and around two weeks to the day that he told me he was going to live on his own for a while. Needless to say, he didn't live on his own at all.

But do you know what confuses me the most?

I have known him for around five and a half years, been in a relationship with him for four, engaged to him for three and a half...and i have never seen him cry as much as i have the past 7 months.

When he is frantically telling people he is the happiest he has ever been.

Some people believe him. I have read absolutely horrible comments about me by people who have never met me and who don't know me at all. About how i must have made him so unhappy and about what a horrible person i must be. Even some calling into question how good a mother i am. 

I think this is why, even now, i still get choked up when my ex mother in law gives me a cuddle or when my ex sister in law tells me how well i'm doing. 

I surely can't be horrible after all? 

What's terrible is that because of these comments, i spent a long time questioning myself. I would sit and wonder why they thought these things about me and what i could do to prove that i am just a normal girl who had a baby with someone she trusted implicitly and got her heart broken.

But you know what?

I don't need to prove myself to anyone.

The past 7 months have been difficult enough without dwelling on who said what. 

I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the fact that there may always be songs i can't listen to without crying, places i can't visit without reminiscing, people who will always give me funny looks because of their unfounded and entirely irrational negativity towards me and movies that will always take me back to cosy evenings in bed, laughing hysterically while feeling safe in the knowledge that this person is definitely my person. 

While scrolling through Facebook this week, i found a meme which read; 'Being in love is handing someone a gun, letting them point it at your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger'.

That really resonated with me.

Part of me is still so sad, so full of hurt and disappointment. The pain in my chest is still there everytime Lee's name is mentioned, but i can feel it diminishing ever so slightly with each passing month. I still can't look at him without wondering what i did that was so wrong that he would do this, knowing i would cry myself to sleep, knowing how i struggle to trust anyone and ultimately knowing how much i trusted him. I suppose i'll never really know.

Lee leaving, however, made me look at my role as a mother. I was now, suddenly, on my own and in charge of the future of a little boy who relies on me. I thought about the message i was sending my son by moping around and dwelling on a situation i simply had no control over. 

I got help for my anxiety and depression.

I enrolled at college.

I looked into university.

I enquired about nursery places for Dexter.

For the first time in a long time, i was relying on myself and my own ability to shape not only my future, but my sons future too. 

My dream is to make Dexter proud of me. I want him to grow up knowing that no matter what situation is thrown at his Mom, she fights back and turns a negative into a positive. I want him to know that everything i do, i do with him and the end goal in mind.

One day, i want Dexter and i to be tearing down the 'For Sale' sign in the front garden of our new house.

To bring in all of the boxes, slump on our new sofa and say 'we did it'. 

So in September, my journey to becoming a midwife begins. And although i am asked so often about why i chose that career path, knowing it's not the most glamorous, i know that the day i became a mother is one i will cherish for the rest of my life. Being a part of that story on a daily basis for other new parents will be an absolute honour.

As bittersweet as this journey is without a partner to share to with, i have found inner strength that i had no idea i even had! I suppose i just hope that Lee and i are able to focus on co parenting Dexter to the best of our ability and work together to make his childhood as wonderful as he deserves it to be.

As for me, I just can't wait to wear my cap and gown 💗

Lots of love,

Laura Xxx

Single mom dating minefield

Ok, so i'm typing this at 12.30am on the fourth day of the new year and i cannot sleep. My insomnia is driving me insane, but pouring out my thoughts can sometimes help me relax enough to shut my eyes...so here goes.

I loathe dating.

There. I said it.

I am specifically referring to online dating, which i have tried for the last couple of months. The endless, 'who the hell is this guy and why does he keep asking for pics' is an eternal, eye rolling bore. Then of course, the Bridget Jones style sob fest on your own in your pyjamas when you're feeling particularly lonely, wondering if anyone really has ever loved you or if it was all a figment of your slightly warped imagination. 

I've been on a few dates since Lee and i parted ways, i won't lie. I do feel very lucky when i say i've never actually been on a bad date, because every bloke i've dated has actually been very sweet. There has, however, only been one guy who i've been on multiple dates with. 

So why do i hate dating if i've never been on a bad date?

Because i'm a mom, that's why.

I have actually discovered a few things about myself while looking for a potential partner. Some of these being:

1. I like a guy to make me laugh.

2. I am scarily drawn to tattoos and beards

3. I will sometimes talk to guys i don't actually find attractive, purely because they have sick tattoos (i am aware i need help)

4. I have discovered awesome tattoos do not,a personality, make...😏

5. As above but for beards

6. I realise what i actually really need is a guy who is a bit of a weirdo (like me) and has decent banter, but will also be a good father figure for Dexter.

Now when i say father figure, no one replaces Dexters actual Dad. What i mean is, this is very much a love me, love my son kind of deal and it would be beneficial to have a guy around who would genuinely care for Dexter as well as me. This is what's difficult. How do you gauge that from a few dates, a few texts, a few phone calls even? It's pretty much impossible. 

I have been on dates with three guys in total, only one of which has taken me out on more than one date. I usually like to date guys who already have at least one child, so that they already understand that my son comes first and they are less likely to be daunted at the prospect that they may one day meet Dex. 

But sadly, this isn't always the case. The first guy i ever spoke to since Lee and i split ticked all of the boxes. He was good looking, witty, had a child, a good job, he was stylish and a little nerdy. He even had tattoos and a beard! We spoke constantly for a couple of weeks, resulting in him asking me out on a date and i was amazed. My little naive heart couldn't believe it's luck. I had found someone i clicked with from the get go! We would send each other little videos talking about our day, or we'd FaceTime and chat in our dressing gowns. I was quietly confident that this was it. Sadly not.

One Sunday morning, exactly one week before our date, i noticed he had unfriended me on Facebook. Then came the unfollows elsewhere, i couldn't believe it. I sent him a text but he'd blocked my number. I honestly felt so hurt, i cried. I felt my heart break all over again. I didn't love him, but i felt so much potential...and now it was all gone. Filled with questions, i sent him a Facebook message. It was naively worded as if he had accidentally clicked 'unfriend', full of 'sorry if...' and 'are you alright'. He read it and i got no reply. About five hours passed and i sent my final message to him, just saying how i wish he would just tell me what i'd done wrong, but that i won't bother him again. He read it...but i never did get my reply. 

Back then, i judged him by my standards. A guy who had a little girl couldn't possibly treat someone elses little girl badly? A guy with a daughter would treat a woman how he would want his daughter to be treated in the future, right? Wrong! This is exactly why i hate internet dating, it's so easy for people to flit in and out of your life at any second, and there's absolutely nothing you can do at all to control it.

It has happened to me a couple of times since, but it just goes over my head now. It's like i've become hardened to it because it's the norm in the online dating circles, but it's making me bitter. 

I feel like i've gone from being naive and believing in love, to thinking everyone i speak to is a jerk until they prove otherwise, and i hate it. I can't blame this entirely on the dating, but also on past experiences too. However, i am thinking of just giving up on it, at least for the foreseeable future, and focusing on Dexter and i. If in the meantime i meet someone, that's obviously a bonus. I just hate the thought that this could actually make me very cynical about men and love in general. 

And just to think five months ago, i thought my life was finally happy. It just goes to show that none of us know what's in store for us, good or bad. 

until next time...

Laura Xxx

Six degrees of separation

Right. So this was never going to be the easiest post to write, nor is it a post i ever thought i would need to write at any stage. 

Lee and i split up.

Before i begin to write more, i just want to inform you that this post and all other subsequent posts won't be for the purpose of bashing my ex. Despite the way things have turned out, Lee is still Dexters Dad and i don't want my blog to become a place of negativity and animosity.

I do, however, have to address the elephant in the room. 

My blog cannot continue as if Lee never even existed so i have to, without going into too much detail, explain what happened on some level.

Ok, so the last time i felt close to Lee was on holiday. It was September this year and we had decided to hire a lodge for the week in Somerset. We were so looking forward to spending some family time together as Lee had been so bogged down with work and the various work based qualifications he was doing. I was unbelievably proud of all of the effort he was going to to try and secure a career and a future for our family, but acknowledged that he massively needed a break from it all. The lodge itself was lovely and so close to Cheddar Gorge, surrounded by beautiful rolling hills and picturesque  countryside, ideal for getting away from it all. 

We had lots planned and took Dexter out everyday, Lee even drove all the way to Southampton so we could visit Peppa Pig World. If you haven't been, i highly recommend it by the way!

The last day of our trip, a friday, it was our 4 year anniversary. We took Dexter to a huge wildlife park before taking the long journey back home. 

I look back at it now and i really couldn't see it coming. I remember us being stuck in traffic and playing the numberplate game, crying laughing at each others stupid answers. It's basically when you take the letters from a numberplate and use them to make a stupid sentence. And by stupid, i mean usually rude! I also remember us laughing our heads off at how bumpy Grandpa pigs boat ride was at Peppa Pig world. Then i think about the friday when Lee was driving to the wildlife park and he grabbed my hand and kissed it and told me he loved me. 

We took Dexter to Weston Super Mare on the first day there, and we walked along the seafront. He took me there once before when we had just started dating, and we'd walked in the moonlight and talked about the future. Well it was exactly the same, but just under 4 years on with a little one in tow. We talked about our wedding, buying a house, getting a new car, having more kids. I literally couldn't have been more happy if i tried.

The next part is the worst. As i said earlier, i'm not going to go into too much detail. All i can say is that i was made aware that we were splitting up about 2 weeks after returning from that holiday. I could sense something was off during that time, but just put it down to post holiday blues. Either that or i was too scared to ask incase it was the inevitable. During that time, we bickered. He would be distant, on his phone all the time, late from work and this wound me up. Don't get me wrong though, i wasn't without my issues. I had anxiety that had gone untreated for so long, it had made me frightened to even leave the house at times. I had a massive problem trusting people which in turn, made me paranoid that everyone around me was out to betray me. This could not have been easy to live with at all. I had gone from being bubbly, friendly and outgoing to possessive, suspicious and, essentially, a nervous wreck. 

To cut a long story short, Lee told me he was thinking of leaving me on a wednesday morning. I remember because i had planned to drive over to his parents house and take Dexter to see them. I still did this, and i really don't know how i did. His mom and i took Dexter to the park and i spent the whole time hugging her and crying. I hoped it was all just some horrible nightmare and that he'd change his mind. 

I cried. She cried. It was one of the worst days i have ever experienced.

People often try to describe heartbreak, and you really don't understand the feeling until you go through it. I felt like my soul had been crushed and there was a deep physical pain in my chest that just wouldn't go away. I spent day after day crying, but trying so hard not to as Lee was still living with me at the time. I tried to convince myself that if i made more effort, sought help for my anxiety and acted nicely towards him, he would see that i was still the same girl he fell in love with four years before and change his mind. 

So stupidly, i made sure his washing was done, cooked him food, tidied our bedroom, lit scented candles, ran him baths...but all to no avail.

His mind was already made up and all i had been holding onto was false hope. I was trying to hold onto the family we had built, but it had completely slipped through my fingers. 

I looked at Dexter and felt like a complete and utter failure. After we had lost our first baby, all i had ever wanted was to bring a little one into the world who we could love and cherish as much as we loved and cherished each other. A kid who would look up to us and admire how strong our relationship stayed. We always used to joke that we were Mick and Linda Carter from Eastenders. Solid as a rock and together for years and years, making our kids cringe at our OTT displays of affection and terms of endearment. I tried to watch Eastenders once since Lee left and all it did was make me cry.

So, after telling me on the Wednesday that he was thinking of leaving, he spent four more days with us. They were unbelievably difficult days filled with worry and mistrust. He assured me that he would have some time to himself and that he could still see us having more kids together and that he still loved me. So off he went after work on the following monday, taking a small bag of clothes and toiletries with him.

I will never forget that first night without him. It was the closest i had been to hell on Earth since my miscarriage. I put one of his hoodies on, cuddled up to his pillow and cried the whole night. My engagement ring was a constant reminder of the fact that i had failed at the one thing i thought i was doing right in life...keeping my family happy. 

Everything felt so difficult then. I couldn't eat, sleep or function normally and i was struggling to settle into my new role as a single parent. I was so angry because i hadn't asked for any of this!

I remember sitting on my phone, googling which were the best sleeping tablets to take for a successful overdose. I became obsessed with the idea of ending my own life because i just couldn't take all of this pain anymore.

Luckily, during the time i was trying to hold onto Lee, i had made an appointment with my GP to address my anxiety and depression and finally acknowledge i had a problem. The day finally arrived and i reluctantly  went along, only to spend 10 minutes sobbing my heart out to my very lovely and understanding doctor. She gave me some tablets to help me sleep, referred me to a counsellor and booked me in for a fasting blood test that week to determine if there were any underlying health issues that could be exacerbating my anxiety and depression. She seemed to think i had post natal depression which, because i had left it untreated, had manifested itself as severe depression and anxiety. Since leaving the hospital with Dexter, i had become so psychotic i had convinced myself that if i told my health visitor how i was feeling, they would take Dexter away. So every questionnaire she presented me with, i lied and circled the answers she wanted to see. 

I saw my miscarriage as letting Lee down and me losing his chance of Fatherhood, so i wasn't prepared to risk losing another child by telling anyone i was suffering with my own thoughts.

Moving on to the present day...

Lee has been living with another woman ever since he left and they are together and happy. I have to admit, i struggled with it all a lot initially. In fact, it nearly killed me. But i have done my fair share of shouting at him about all of his wrongdoings and he has shouted back at me about mine, so i guess it's all water under the bridge now.

I have actually been a lot better since Lee left, which are words i never thought i would say. The first month or so was hell, but time is a great healer. 

I managed to see a counsellor, who is brilliant and i am pleased to say i have since been signed off for suicidal thoughts. I actually can't remember the last time i thought about ending my life, and it feels great to have come so far. I am also currently on no medication and have found out i am actually anaemic, so have regular B12 injections to help with that. In turn, they have boosted my metabolism massively, and i have lost just under two stone in weight. 

My confidence has sky rocketed and my anxiety levels have dropped massively. I find it much easier to leave the house now and i get out really regularly with Dexter. I have been panic attack free for well over a month now and i feel much less tense in built up areas and crowds than i did a few moths ago. It feels like i've voluntarily locked myself in a cage for years and have finally had the courage to use the key and explore a little. I cannot tell you how much courage i have had to muster to do that.

I have even been on a few dates, with the same lovely guy might i add! Won't go into that here though...

Looking to the future, I have looked into training to be a midwife. It's something i had always had an interest in but more so since becoming a mother myself. Seeing all the hard work the midwives at the hospital put in day in day out to help me when i had pre eclampsia, then how they nursed me back to health after my emergency c section, it just inspired me to want to help other mums.

So i am applying to start a health and social care level three course in September of next year, which i can then go on to university with and become a fully fledged midwife! I'm so enjoying feeling ambitious again after such a long time!

Other than that, who knows what the future will bring.

Today i have found difficult because i was sorting out Lee's paperwork etc and came across cards to each other from various christmases, fathers days, mother days and birthdays. They were hard to read and i admit, i had a little cry. Not because i hold onto hope that he still means the words he wrote back then, or that i still love him. 

It just brought all of the hurt flooding back.

In all honesty, i don't think i'll ever fully understand what happened. We both have our cross to bear and no one is claiming to be perfect.

All i want now is for our very broken and disjointed family to somehow work together. 

For our sanity.

Ultimately, for Dexter.

Until next time,

Laura 

XxxX

...so you think you can parent?!

I often feel that my life is like a very disorganised version of the generation game. Remember that? Jim Davidson (i was a 90's kid) would make a few saturday prime time friendly jokes, some woman would walk on and pretend to be a bit dim and contestants would attempt to spin plates or make a vase while everyone laughed at them. Oh, and the conveyor belt at the end. Everything passes by so fast and there are that many bloomin' things going on, it's pretty much impossible to take everything in! This, i find, very much resembles what being a parent is like. I always remembered the cuddly toy though!

Before i had Dexter, i would try to plan my parenting experience in my head. I would go on sites such as pinterest and makes boards, planning out what my future child would wear, how i would discipline them, what they would eat, what games i would play with them etc. I soon found out that there is no room for planning when you are a parent! I mean, you can make sure a bottle is made up ready for bedtime and make sure their clothes are clean, but nearly everything else is decided by your little one. They determine what time you eat, sleep, leave the house, have a shower...children are essentially tiny dictators who make you think you're organised and then crush your dreams at the last minute!

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of wonderful things about being a parent, but anyone with children will know how much more you value your downtime once you have little people in the house. It's a crazy time in your life because there are so many highs and lows in the space of a day, you actually don't know what kind of mood you're in. You're just too busy to think about you!

It's also impossible to fully explain to people who don't have kids, what it's like to have them. You talk about the sleeplessness, nappy explosions, annoying task of fitting the car seat...but then you try to explain all of the good things and they just make you sound like you're getting a really raw deal.

"yeah, i had to scrape poo off the back of his neck but he did this really cute smile afterwards and it made it all worthwhile'...

People without kids look at you like you're insane! There is no way i would have wiped poo off anyone before i had Dexter, let alone regarded a gummy grin as suitable compensation for such a task! 

As i type, Lee is playing Fifa and we are both eating crisps without having to share them! Amazing!

Which brings me to my reason for writing this particular post. I am looking for  bit of blog inspiration and am planning on writing a series of blog posts, depending on how much info i source, about things that generally pee you off since you have become a parent! Having only had one child myself, i am yet to experience a lot of things, good and bad, that parenting has to offer. I just think it would be interesting, and a bit of a laugh, to all have a moan and share a few stories! 

To get the ball rolling, my biggest peeve by far since becoming a parent , is when people without children park in the parent and child parking in the supermarket car park! I could literally rant about this for a good hour, possibly without taking a breath. It drives me bananas!! 

So, i would much appreciate your ideas and anecdotes. When you have thought of anything you might want to share with me, either pop it in the comments here on my blog, Tweet me @dextersmummy, or send me a comment or message on my Dexters mummy Facebook page! If you know me personally, you can also let me know via my personal Facebook profile or drop me a text!

So, let's all have a communal moan and find some common ground! Pretty sure we've all got some hilarious stories and many many annoyances to share! 

Until next time,

Laura Xxx

Here is Dexter modelling his Nutella chops.

Nothing is ever fully clean again once your child starts to crawl!!

Any Regrets?

So i type this as i sit in my living room, alone and feeling sorry for myself. My fiancé has gone with his mate from work to watch Walsall v Chelsea which has left me at home with Dexter. This wouldn't bother me half as much if i wasn't feeling so unwell. Dex has had a diarrhoea bug for the past few days and i'm pretty sure that me feeling achey and under the weather is something to do with him passing it on to me! Now he's gone to bed, however, and the silence is deafening. I really really hate being at home on my own. It makes me think too much. 

When i was about 15, i was convinced that i would be a world famous tattoo artist by the time i was 21. I thought that i would be able to ensure the financial stability of everyone around me and i would date some heavily tattooed bloke in a band who would think i was bloody marvellous. We would be the next Sid and Nancy...without the drugs and death though obviously! All of my friends would be these arty, alternative types with crazy coloured hair and piercings and i would live in London in some massive gothic mansion.

As you can tell, my life panned out very differently! I often wonder what would have happened if i just went with what i wanted to do and applied to uni, instead of letting myself be talked out of it by my then boyfriend. He was a big underachiever who had a much higher opinion of his xbox than me and, looking back now, i just can't believe i let someone like that have such control over my life and my future. I remember going on a residential trip to London with my A-Level media class and absolutely loving the rush and noise of the city...and that just never left me. 

What actually happened to me is not exactly glamorous. I started working in my local Asda café when i was 16 and started seeing a bloke who started out like Dr Jekyll and ended up very much like  Mr Hyde. For some reason, despite physical and mental abuse, i carried on seeing him for five long years. That was until someone else caught my eye. He was tall and tanned and fit and, although i had been monogamous for my entire relationship, i found myself thinking about him more and more. He was funny and witty too, literally the most gorgeous man i had ever seen. He was also friends with my boyfriend at the time. Part of me knew that i should end my relationship but, every time i tried to, he would cry and beg for me back. He would tell me he was sorry for all of the nasty things he did and said and that he would never do it again. Trouble was, i was sick of hearing it every week. I was tired of feeling lied to and betrayed all the time and, slowly but surely, i stopped feeling any loyalty towards him whatsoever. 

I went out one day with this guy as i needed to shop for my best friends birthday present and we kissed...a lot. It was never my intention to go about things the way i did, but we knew that we liked each other. 

Lee and i on one of our first dates at the Sealife centre.

Needless to say, it all got very messy for a while and my name was dragged through the mud at work (did i mention we all worked together?). My then ex went around like butter wouldn't melt, crying to anyone who would listen about how i betrayed him and how i was so horrible. He of course, failed to mention the time he picked me up by my throat or the time he pushed me so hard against my chest of drawers, my back was black and blue. Funny that! I could have written a book on betrayal after that relationship, but my new fella helped me re write all of the pages of my story. 

Within 4 months of our relationship starting, we had moved out together and he had asked me to marry him! As you may have guessed, this lovely new man is my Lee. The absolute love of my life and the reason i have a beautiful son asleep upstairs right now. 

So, to answer the the question, no! I have no regrets! Not a single one! The way i see it is, if i had gone to university i might never have met Lee and had Dexter.

Much better than a degree, don't you think?

So, next time someone tries to make you feel bad for how your life has panned out, or makes you feel like becoming a mother is not a bloody massive achievement, have a think. Think carefully about how your life could be without your little one and your partner. I'm betting, despite the sleeplessness and looking like a bit of a wreck from time to time, you wouldn't change it for the world! (Also, give that person a dead leg from me!!)

Until next time,

Laura Xxx

We moved house!!

It's so good to be back!! My life has changed so much since my last post, we have loads to catch up on!

Ok, so i don't think i've ever discussed this on here, but Lee, Dexter and myself were all living with my parents up until 2 weeks ago. I know, i am 25 and i was still living with my parents...and with a fiancé and baby to boot! The situation really wasn't ideal, no matter how welcome my parents thought they were being. There just comes a time in your life when you want to be in your own little family bubble, and it was very difficult to feel like a little family when we weren't in our own home. It was starting to put a strain on Lee and i as we just never felt fully relaxed and, although people might disagree, i feel that Dexter could sense that we weren't fully happy and i just don't think that he should be around negativity on a day to day basis. 

So, after talking about it a lot, Lee and i decided we were going to find a place of our own! We wanted somewhere that was close to a good school, preferably in a quiet area and with decent neighbours. Also, we wanted the house itself to be finished to a high standard and to have a garden  because we were planning to live there for a long time. Not much on our checklist was there?! While Lee was at work, i was scrolling through right move and booking viewings with various estate agents. Luckily, the house we now actually live in was only the second place we looked at and we knew as soon as we stepped inside that it was the house for us!

Obviously, i can't go into too much detail about where it is that we live. What i can say is that we absolutely love living here! We are in a lovely little cul-de-sac full of other children ranging from Dexters age to around 10 years old and our next door neighbours are lovely! Oh, and their dog is called Dexter!

So, aside from being crazy busy, we have had to wait two weeks for our internet to be installed, hence the silence on my part. I'm sorry! But i assure you, i have lots of ideas for upcoming posts and i won't be going away again any time soon! Oh, and while i'm here, i just want to thank the 900 people who have followed me on twitter! It's such a huge milestone for me. I know i'm not quite Zoella and sometimes i don't even have the chance to brush my hair until midday, but to this girl, you are all amazing and very much appreciated! :) Thank you so much!

So please keep 'em peeled for my future posts and thanks for reading! It's Friday night so i'm off to watch 8 out of 10 cats does countdown with Lee, eat some crisps and recline on our new sofa! i know, we are the coolest people you have ever come across...

*ahem*

Anyway, until next time,

much love, Laura XxxX

Things you never imagined would change when becoming a parent...but did

Ok, so there are obvious things which change when becoming a parent. We all know about the privacy thing and the waking up in the night thing...but what about the things midwives and doctors don't tell you about? The things that only other moms and dads will confess to if you are very close friends with them...or they very openly write on facebook?! (Depends on the person i suppose!)

There have been quite a few occasions where I have thought 'if you had told me a year ago I would be doing this/saying this/like this i wouldn't have believed you'. So let me elaborate and maybe we can find some common ground? Either that or you will think I am absolutely mental and never read my blog again!! You win some, you lose some i suppose!

: You start picking someone else's nose. Dear God. Please please say you do this too?! Dexter gets so much food up his nose now he is chowing down on solids, that little bits of food dry up in his nostrils. So along comes mommy and, well, picks them out. Gross i know, but I can't just leave him with spaghetti bolognese dried up in his nose as if he has had some sort of tomato based nosebleed! That's my justification anyway and I'm sticking to it!

: You get poo on you...and wee...and puke...and snot...and dribble. Want a baby? Don't be squeamish! There is no time in the day for squeamish, seriously. Dexter deliberately wipes his nose on my shoulder if he feels the need,as if I am a giant Kleenex. So please don't rush out to buy expensive clothes, unless you like to accessorise with a nice brooch made of vom. Graphic but true! 

: You will sing row row row your boat until the words have literally lost all meaning. It may be a different song or activity for you and your little one, but Dexter would happily have me holding his hands and rowing that boat all day long if he was my boss. Which he kind of is now... Oh god.

: You'll know all of the words to theme songs from cbeebies. Special mention to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse too, as Dexter is obsessed! Also, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Sophia the First etc... Why do they make them so flipping catchy? 

: You keep an absurd amount of your child's favourite programme in your sky planner, just incase they have a meltdown. Dexters is Bing, and we have quite possibly every episode ever televised saved. Bing has helped us through teething tantrums and bedtime sleep fighting, and we are eternally grateful! 

: You don't have a bath or shower until after lunchtime...or at high speed while your little one is taking a nap. Sad but true. Some days it can even be hard to just get dressed, especially if your little one is having a particularly bad day. I have found this more so when Dexter is teething, as he becomes king of the grumps!

:You can never get anything done! I personally wake up every morning and think 'right, i'll get this done today'. Just imagine i'm enthusiastically gesticulating towards a pile of washing and you'll get the picture. (FYI, i never enthusiastically gesticulate). Then, before i know it, it's 3pm, i'm covered in dribble and food debris with absolutely no jobs checked off my list. Not even one! This is pretty much every day. Oh no, wait, the other day i had the privilege of folding laundry while Dexter had a nap. And so concludes the jobs i have been able to get done this week.

Let's not forget, however, the positives in parenting. There are many of them which are often overlooked. Let's face it, it's a lot funnier telling someone about the time you got poo on your cheek than going on and on about how angelic they are when they're sleeping and showing everyone a slideshow of your album entitled 'Mommy's little soldier'. But you know what? Let's go there! Let's have a little gloat at how wonderful our kids are. We all do it... When they're asleep and we have had a glass of wine. Here goes...

:You will laugh a ridiculous amount. You will laugh until your jaw aches and you think you might wee yourself a little bit if you don't get to the loo in the next 5 seconds. Let's face it, from an early age, kids are bloody hilarious! Dexter just has to pull a face and i'm howling. And he now has a habit of laughing whenever i'm laughing. So, much to Lee's annoyance, i laugh for much much longer as i then start laughing at Dexter laughing at me. I'm sure you get my drift! Lee can never hear anything on the telly at all. Sorry Lee!

Just a couple of photos I save on my phone for a giggle when I need it!

:Although i moaned about it earlier, you actually start to enjoy watching kids tv because it makes your little one happy. I love the beaming smile on Dexters face every time he hears the opening titles for 'Bing'. Dex really really loves that bunny!

:You will kill people for a toy that your child wants. Now, this point goes way way back to when i was little and i remember my parents scouring the toys r us stores of the uk for a baby all gone doll. If you don't know what baby all gone is, you are seriously missing out. Remember the doll with a perm who stunk of cherries? Yes, i was obsessed with her! She actually ate cherries!! It wasn't a retractable spoon or anything, she ate them and that's the end of it! So, anyway, this particular doll was toy of the year and she was like gold dust to get hold of. Bear in mind this was in the days before the internet so my Mom had my Dad ringing around every toy shop going, just incase they had one going spare. I even remember visiting a fair few toy shops during their quest, but leaving empty handed. I did, however, finally get her on my birthday. It was 4 months after christmas, but the photo my Mom put in my photo album of little old me grinning from ear to ear and clutching my dolly is priceless to her. And now i get it. Now i understand why they did all that searching and ringing around. It was to put a smile on my face. And, looking at Dexters cute little grin, i totally appreciate how important that is. Which is why we bought Dexter a 'my friend Bing' toy on the day it was released as we were worried they would sell out. It's been put away until his birthday, but it's ready and waiting to put a big beaming smile on his face.

:You still feel a little flutter inside when you've washed your little ones clothes and you hold them up to see how tiny they are. I still find it so sad that Dexter can't fit into 0-3 months rompers anymore, and the realisation that it won't be long before he's walking and getting about himself is hitting hard. Being a parent is bittersweet. You spend everyday amazed at what new and exciting thing your little one has learnt, but at the same time, you wish time would rewind or at least pause long enough for you to take everything in before they're all grown up.

And so concludes my parental observations...for now! It would be nice to hear about your little ones and what things you have found bizarre or unexpected when becoming a parent. They're odd little creatures, kids. But do you know what? They're our odd little creatures! And they're bloomin' amazing...

...at times 😂

Until next time! 

Laura Xxx

Wedding with a baby

So Thursday 28th May 2015 brought the day of my cousin Rachaels' wedding to her partner, Tom. Prior to the day itself, i had already had a miniature meltdown about whether we needed to bring Dexters high chair or not and had duly discussed this on Facebook with my big sister, Rachaels' big sister and another one of my cousins, Jodi and Rachael herself. FYI, the conclusion was that they thought the venue would provide them...but we brought it with us anyway...just incase. 

We also brought pretty much everything but the kitchen sink. Having not attended a wedding with a baby before, i found myself packing a crazy amount of stuff to try and keep him entertained incase any teething related tantrums ensued. Lee and i also had the obligatory 'have we got everything/where the hell is that/i'm dead stressed/the baby is having a tantrum' pre wedding argument. Peace was restored when we finally got everything in the car though!

The venue itself was beautiful, but we knew that already as it's the venue we had chosen for our evening reception...whenever we actually save up enough to actually book it! We travelled up the long driveway and saw the picturesque house appear in the distance. We pulled up and waited for a short time until we saw my parents, sister, nieces and nephew pull up, followed by my Uncle Dave, Auntie Jackie and cousin Natalie. It's been a long time since our family last had a proper get together, so i had been really looking forward to the day. Not to mention seeing my cousin in her wedding dress!

My cousin Rachael was one of my closest friends growing up. She is only 18 months older than me and, even though she has always been little miss bossy (she will admit this herself), i love her to pieces! I have so many funny memories of childhood sleepovers, birthday parties and family barbecues with her and my other lovely cousins. My family is far from perfect, but these wonderful memories are perfect to me and can make me smile when i'm feeling particularly down in the dumps.
I will always remember her obsession with having a midnight feast every time we had a sleepover...and the fact that she decided chocolate ready brek in a glass would be a decent snack. That was until she knocked hers all over her brand new carpet then tried to cover it with a rug. It would have been a genius plan if my Uncle Ian hadn't decided to hoover her room the next morning. Awkward!
I also remember how she was completely fearless and absolutely nothing seemed to bother her. She had a flat roof just outside her bedroom window and thought absolutely nothing of leaping out of the window onto said roof...then lying down if anybody came out of the house so they couldn't see her!

Cue embarrassing photo!
Rachael and I at my sisters 21st birthday party (it was a 1970's theme).
We would have been 9 and 10 here.

There were also the times when Rachael was really caring, like the time i projectile vomited in the video shop. Yes, it was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. In my defence i was about 10 and had a tummy bug...but there was no way in hell Rach and I were calling time on our sleepover! Despite the fact the woman behind the counter went a bit green around he gills at the sight of my vom all over her videos, Rachael helped me to the loo behind the counter to clean me up. She was absolutely laughing her head off, but still helped me all the same!

It's so weird to think that we're all grown up now and both have our own children and separate lives, but i still think about these daft times we had together as kids. Seeing Rachael in her wedding dress made me feel so proud to be her cousin and so pleased that she was happy! I have to admit, it was a tad embarrassing when we were asked to speak now if there was any lawful reason why they couldn't be married and Dexter decided that was the right time to fart. Luckily, it wasn't one of his loudest ones so we just about got away with it i think!

After the ceremony, we all moved outside and had drinks on the patio while Rachael and Tom had photos taken. Luckily, the weather was beautiful so no umbrellas were needed! We were then ushered into the beautiful ballroom for the wedding breakfast. The food was absolutely amazing!
Dexter was feeling special as he had his own place card and high chair ready and waiting for him.

Lee and Dexter looking suave in their suits


Overall, the whole day was amazing from start to end. I always think it feels much more special being at the wedding of someone who you're close to or have a lot of history with as you're genuinely so happy for them. Dexter must've sensed the happiness as he was a little diamond all day, even smiling for everyone and falling asleep at 7pm during the disco! And yes, it was a pain in the ass lugging a gigantic baby bag around the place for ages, not to mention a baby who seemed to get heavier and heavier as the day progressed! I wouldn't have it any other way though :)

So here's to the happy couple, Rachael and Tom Bradbury. May they live a long and happy life together. And if you're reading this, thank you for inviting us to be a part of your special day. It was magical :)

The happy couple


Until next time,
Much love, Laura Xxx

Guess who's back?!?

Helloooo! It's been so long! I'm so sorry i haven't written a post in absolutely ages. I have no excuse, just the fact that i really lost my head when it came to fitting my blog into everyday life. I am definitely going to try and assign at least 15 minutes a day to writing a post, even if it's just part of a post, so that i can keep you all up to date and keep my blog nice and fresh!
So, how have you been? I have written a few posts that i haven't posted yet, all about what i have been up to during the blogging hiatus (that's a posh word for 'took a break and completely lost the plot!)
I am so excited about starting afresh with my blog and staying dedicated to writing. It's something i've always loved doing and the reason i started my blog in the first place!
Keep your eyes peeled for more posts very very soon!
until next time,
Laura xxx



Picture credit to Facebook.com/shoeboxblog
and shoeboxblog.com

Dexters ootd 9/5/15

Happy Saturday! So today is one of our favourite days of the week, because it's Lee's final day at work until Wednesday! I absolutely love our lovely little family days and snuggling up in bed with my two very favourite people in the whole world. Dexter is still doing amazingly well with his food and managed porridge for breakfast, puréed strawberries and apples for lunch and cauliflower cheese for dinner yesterday! He has started the day again with porridge and a nice strawberry flavour petit filous yogurt. Lee and I are absolutely brimming with pride at how well he has taken to food and we can't wait to give him his very first taste of ice cream this summer! 

Today, however, it's definitely not ice cream weather. Which is why I've picked Dexter a nice long sleeve top, jeans and socks today! 

First is Dexters vest for today, which is a Led Zeppelin one by rock a bye baby. Sorry the picture isn't all that clear! The white writing on the black vest looks so clear in person, but somehow doesn't translate very well to photo! I love Dexters chunky little baby thighs in this picture! It's the only age he'll ever be when it's perfectly healthy and acceptable to have little rolls at the top of his legs! 

Next up are his top and jeans! Dexters jeans today (as always) are from Next and are in size 9-12 months, so I think you get an idea how tall Dexter is getting! His top is a lovely striped Zara baby number! I love how it has a worn, distressed effect to it and is just thin enough to be an everyday top, rather than a thick jumper. It also has buttons at both sides of the neck, just incase you have an exceptionally big head to deal with or even a little one who hates things being pulled over their face. 

Dexters socks today were yet another sock gift from my parents. They remind me of the pacman ghosts and they've got little grips on the bottom to stop him slipping over when he walks...although he's not quite at that stage yet! 

Hope you're all having great days! 

Until next time, 

Laura XxX 

Dexters ootd 8/5/15

Morning! So yesterday was a pretty big day for Dexter. Daddy fed him his very first petit filous and he had cottage pie for tea! Weaning is going amazingly well and Dexter is taking to it like a duck to water. It makes me so proud of him, but I also can't believe where the time's gone! Before we had him, I honestly thought he would stay a little baby, all wrapped up in a blanket for ages! But here we are 6 months on, and he's eating 3 meals a day plus bits of baby milk here and there! Today we are feeling nice and bright after a good nights sleep! Dexter only woke up once, which I suspect could be because his tummy is nice and full and he doesn't feel the need to wake up for bottles much anymore! This morning he had organix banana and strawberry baby porridge mixed with whole milk for the first time...and he loved it! It's so nice to see him trying new flavours and enjoying them! 

After a nice long nap, it was time to get Dexter out of his babygrow and into his outfit for today! 

As you can see, Dexter is desperate to become a footballer when he's bigger! This vest was bought on eBay, but it was originally from tesco. I just loved the little slogan on the front and couldn't resist! Dexter genuinely loves to watch football with his Daddy, and his eyes light up when Lee has sky sports on! Pretty sure he's going to take after Daddy and be really sporty.

Here's a nice shot of Dexter nonchalantly watching Cbeebies when I'm trying to get him to smile. Never work with children or animals! 

As you can see, Dexter is wearing his 'Daddy is my Superman' t-shirt,which is very fitting as he absolutely adores Lee! His jeans are from Next, and are the only pair he has which still fit him in size 3-6 months. I doubt they'll fit him for too much longer, I'm pretty sure he'll be taller than me next week at the rate he's growing! 

His little socks are part of a set my parents bought Dexter for Xmas and, as you can see, have cute little dumper trucks and stripes on them. 

I hope you all have a lovely day! I'm off to try and tidy up a bit while Dexter has his second nap of the day! 

Until next time,

Laura XxX

Dexter ootd 7/5/15

Hello again! So today, Dexter brings you another ootd! He was up for about an hour in the night so he actually let me sleep until 8.20am this morning! After giving him his breakfast, and waiting for him to wake up after a short morning nap, it was time to get him dressed. As it's another dull day, I decided on another long sleeved top accompanied by jeans and socks. 

His entire outfit today is from next, apart from his socks and vest! As you can see, his top says 'high five me :)' which I did! He gave me a look that you would only reserve for someone who had grown two heads... I then blew a raspberry, we both laughed and were friends again! 

His socks look like little high tops and are so cute! They were in a big gift pack of socks bought by my parents and given to us as part of Dexters Christmas presents. 

His vest today is one I totally forgot he had and still had the tags on! He had two of these in 0-3 size when he was born, and a lovely bib to go with them, bought by Lee's mom! This one is 6-9 months and has been sitting in his vest drawer waiting to be worn. 

So that's Dexters ootd for today! 

Until next time!

Laura XxX

Dexter OOTD 06/05/15

So, just as an initial disclaimer, I do not profess to be any sort of baby stylist or majorly fashionable person. I am, however, a very proud parent and I love finding cute little items for my baby! Dexter is a hop, skip and jump away from becoming a 6 month old...or a week away if you want to be technical! He is such a lively and sweet little boy who is full of smiles and it's an absolute pleasure being his Mommy. 😊

Since I have found it difficult lately,with one thing and another, to get out regular full length blog posts, I decided to post ootd's for Dexter! I thought it would be a nice way to bridge the gap between my long blog posts and keep you in the loop about how we are doing and what we've been up to! Also, Dexter loves the camera! So, here is Dexter's Ootd for today, which happens to be on a wet and windy Wednesday!

Get a load of this cheeky little chap! So, as you can see, dexter is channeling spring in yellow today! His top is a lovely Toy Story number which reads 'I'm too cute for my boots!' 

His jeans are from next baby and his socks were one of many cute little gifts from my parents when Dexter was born! 

As you can see by the blurred picture, Dexter is a major wriggle bottom nowadays! 

So, there you have it! Dexters very first OOTD! It's pretty difficult keeping yellow clothes clean, especially as we are in the process of weaning! 

Until next time!

Laura XxX

Advice for my pre baby self

So, i'm sure we are all in agreement that life completely flip turns upside down when you become a parent. You go from being just a person to being one half of a couple and then to being at the mercy of a tiny dictator with an obsession for milk and shouting at 3am. Absolutely nothing in the world can prepare you for the sheer pride and overwhelming love you feel as a parent...and also the tear inducing exhaustion and eye bags that never seem to go away no matter how much concealer is applied. I often try to remember what life was like before we had Dexter, but i literally can't even imagine it. It's as if he's always been with us and that's the way i'd like it to stay! I do, however, think that had i known then what i know now, i would have a few words of advice for my poor naive self!

• For the love of god, sleep like your life depends on it! Have as many lie in's as possible. Wear pyjamas all day. Don't set an alarm on your days off and enjoy waking up whenever you like. People told me when i was pregnant that i would pretty much never sleep again because even when they've started sleeping through the night, you are normally up worrying that they're not breathing properly. Then they go to school and you stay up worrying about wether they're making friends or doing well enough...then you worry that you're being a pushy parent by thinking these things. Then come the teenage years when you sit up with a strong coffee until your little darling finally staggers through the front door with a kebab in one hand at 3am. My Mom has told me on many occasions that no matter how old my sister or i get, we will always be her babies. Looks as if the worrying and sleeplessness goes way past the teenage years then doesn't it!? So, like i said, sleep like crazy...and throw in a few afternoon naps for good measure! God knows you will never have that luxury ever again!

• Enjoy your time as a couple. Go out for dinner and a movie, even just for a drink. Jump in the car and go on an adventure at a moments notice. Be spontaneous and loving towards each other . All spontaneity goes out of the window when you have a baby, as does all romance...unless you work at it of course! You will find yourself planning trips days in advance and packing a gigantic bag full of items which will prepare you for every eventuality imaginable. You will also find that as soon as you and your partner cuddle up together and put on a film, or even start to eat a meal, your baby will immediately wake up and demand that you see to them that second or else! A bit deflating for your love life! The important thing to remember is that you were a couple before you were parents and yes, you talked about things that were nothing to do with babies! (i know right, hard to imagine now isn't it?) Treat your partner as you did before you became Mommy and Daddy and always remember that your little angel was created out of the love you feel for one another. If you remember those things, you won't go far wrong!

• Go on holiday! They become military operations when you become a parent, and that feeling of freedom is so much stronger when you're not attempting to shove a travel cot and pushchair in the boot of the car! Of course, i'm not telling you to not take your children on holiday with you. I'm simply saying that there is so much less to think about when you're just packing for two of you. When two becomes three or more, it can become a lot more stressful. So make some lovely couple memories you can look back on and even tell your kids about when they're older!

• Save some money!! I can't stress this one enough, and wish i'd actually done it before we had Dexter! Let's face it ladies, maternity pay is not an amazing amount of money and babies are an expensive game. That then leaves your poor partner being the breadwinner and trying to keep everything ticking over as smoothly as possible while quietly going mad wondering which crazily expensive pram and car seat to buy. Not to mention how bloomin' cramped your car suddenly becomes when said car seat seems massive and appears to take up most of the back seat! So there you are, frantically browsing auto trader and wondering if you will ever be able to afford a car which is large enough to contain your family and all of the items that your little darling requires! We still do this now and i do wish we had given ourselves a bit of a head start when it comes to saving. Unfortunately, it's a bit like looking back at school. At the time, you can't wait to leave the place and go out into the real world and be an adult. When you actually are an adult, you crave a simpler time when you don't have to worry about boring things like budgeting and bills and realise that your school years were actually the best years of your life. Basically, you can't be told at the time but later wish you had listened to that little voice in the back of your head which told you to put something away for a rainy day. Damn you sensible voice!

• Cross some things off your bucket list. This is something i never did but should have done really. I haven't got a bucket list per se, just a load of things in my head that i would like to do someday. Most of them are visiting certain countries, but my biggest bucket list item was to become a mother. Big fat cross through that now,i think we can safely say! Basically, go out and do some things that you have always wanted to do. Skydive, Bungee Jump, Go Zorbing, Participate in a zombie apocalypse weekend...the list is endless. It's so much harder to do these things once you have a tighter budget and have to arrange a babysitter! 

• Never take for granted your ability to walk! I know it's a random one, but i remember how hard it was being stuck in a bed for ages after having my c-section. Going hand in hand with that point, never take for granted your ability to go to the toilet and have a shower unaided. Yeah, there's no air of mystery in your relationship once you have had a baby. Lee has seen some pretty awful sights, one of which being my insides handing out on the operating table while i was being stitched up. Thank God he is not squeamish! Lee is strong as hell and ,in turn, he keeps me strong. I can't stress enough how thankful i am for him. He held me up when i could barely move my legs, he helped me get dressed, fetched my food for me at hospital mealtimes, saw to Dexter when it took me a good five minutes to sit up comfortably, convinced me i'm a good Mom when i have felt low and held my hand during the scariest, and most magical time i have ever experienced. I am the luckiest girl alive :)

So there you have it! I know for a fact, as i always do, i will remember about a billion things i would have wanted to include but completely forgot at the time i was typing this! Life is a funny old journey, but one which helps you grow and adapt as a person. Nothing i have come across does this more than becoming a parent. I experienced a level of pain i didn't know existed and found strength i didn't know i had , all to bring our little boy into the world. I just can't wait to see what the future brings...

Until next time

Laura Xxx



P.S-Here are some photo's of Lee and i in our 'pre baby loved up early relationship' phase! As you can see, we look like we have both had the time to have a bath and i have even sorted my eyebrows! Also, no hair scraped up on top of my head in true mom style.

...but then there are these lovely moments we have shared as a little family over the last 6 wonderful, but tiring, months. These moments make you forget about your ego or vanity, or even how you used to spend 2 hours getting ready to go out.

The truth is yes, becoming a parent is a huge transition as an individual and as a couple. It's really not without it's challenges and should never be entered into without being completely sure you are ready for it. That being said, it's also the most amazing, rewarding and life affirming experience of your life! I type this as Dexter sits on my lap while doing a poo...but i still stand by it! You will never worry as much about another person in your life, but then you will never smile and laugh as much. Being a parent is amazing, and i just can't wait to see what the future hold for me and my little family.

XxX

50 things that make me happy!

So i have been noticing lately that a lot of bloggers are writing a list of their top 50 things that make them happy, so i thought i would join in! Off the top of my head, i can think of lots of things that make me happy...not so sure if i can easily think of 50 though! Here goes...

1. Dexter
2. Lee (my fiancé)
3. My cat Nala (she is totally insane)
4. Treat day!
5. Listening to Dexter babble away to himself in baby language
6. Watching Stella...or anything Ruth Jones has written or starred in
7. Printing photos and putting them in frames
8. Cuddles!
9. The feeling i get when i have pushed myself to do something out of my comfort zone :)
10. Dexters laugh
11. ...and Lee's laugh
12. clean washing
13. Nandos!
14. Pizza Express!
15. ...okay. No more restaurants. I promise
16. Online shopping
17. Strapping Dexter into the baby chair in the trolley when we go to the supermarket! So cute!
18. Red velvet cake
19. The Used (my favourite band)
20. When people retweet and favourite on twitter
21. Wedding inspo on Pinterest
22. Walks with Lee and Dexter
23. Days out with Lee and Dexter
24. Nights in with Lee and Dexter
25. Watching a movie you thought would be pants and actually loving it
26. My Macbook Pro
27. The pride you feel when people say your baby is cute
28. A warm cup of tea with a chocolate malted milk...or 7. Make that the whole bloomin' packet!
29. When pre pregnancy clothes fit again
30. When Dexter learns something new
31. Taking photos
32. My nieces and nephew
33. Reading
34. Unusual art
35. Pretty fonts
36. Jubbly ice lollies (i am obsessed with them!)
37. Anything to do with unicorns
38. Cat eye sunglasses
39. Fifties fashion and hairstyles
40. Reminiscing
41. That tunnel in the Sealife centre that makes you feel like you're underwater
42. Christmaaaaaaaaas!!
43. Anything that makes Lee and Dexter happy
44. Sleep...it's a rarity
45. Freshly painted toenails
46. Beauty and the Beast
47. Having my nails done
48. Animals. I'm a real animal lover :)
49. My Engagement ring and what it symbolises
50. Live Music

Okay...so it looks like i managed it! Had to scrape the barrel in a few places there, but you get the general idea! What are your 50 things?

Until next time,

Laura Xxx

How do you tell a child about death?

I know this post is going to be a lot less upbeat than usual, but it's a subject i've been thinking about a lot lately. It all started on Tuesday. Lee and i had taken Dexter out to Sutton and had a TGI fridays as my belated birthday meal (see my previous post). We hadn't been home long before my phone started ringing and, looking at the screen, saw that it was my sister. I answered and could tell straight away that she was crying.

"Are you alright? What's going on?" I asked.

"No, not really. Tom's been killed" she replied.

I couldn't even believe what i was hearing. Tom was my sisters ex husbands brother and only a little older than myself. I know to anyone reading this, it sounds like the family connection we had was far too distant for his death to have any sort of profound effect on me, but you would be wrong.

You see, my sister and her then boyfriend, Andy, started seeing each other when i was about 7. Andy came to school plays, family meals, even tucked me up in bed at night. To me, he was like the big brother i never had. Then, as Lisa and Andy became more serious and moved in together, that's when i met Tom. 

Tom was around 18 months older than me, with mousy brown hair and a love of all things WWF (which is what WWE was called at the time). My sister was soon having a baby who turned out to be my lovely niece, Lili, and Tom and I became not only a young Auntie and Uncle but also young Godparents. Tom was quite shy and unassuming whereas i was a bit louder and a bit of a fool! To be honest, i always felt like a total loser as i was chubby with mousy blonde hair and spots all over my podgy red face. Think Chunk from the goonies with a blonde wig, and you're probably not too far off.  As you can imagine, my appearance caused me to be picked on at school, so i never really felt worthy of friendship, especially if i thought the other person was cooler then myself (which wasn't hard, i can tell you!)

Tom, however, was different to the boys i went to school with. He was kind and intelligent and actually had opinions. I always remember him becoming obsessed with Limp Bizkit and constantly wearing a 'chocolate starfish and hotdog flavoured water' hoodie. He was the person who got me into rock music and i actually used to look forward to talking to him when i visited my sister and Andy's house. As we got older, we would both talk about the bands we were into, as i had become well and truly hooked on rock music and had ditched my pop music loving past self. I also started to gain a lot of confidence as i had dyed my hair a lovely shiny raven black and lost a lot of weight. I honestly think I looked up to Tom more than i ever realised at the time. He was the first lad i had ever met who wasn't an idiot or a bully and i really liked that. 

Years passed like this until he met the lovely Sonja, who would later become his wife. When they got married, My sister and Andy had recently split up but we were all still invited to their wedding celebration, as their actual wedding ceremony was in Mexico. I remember seeing how happy he and Sonja were and feeling so thrilled for them. It then hit me that i might never see them again and that everything was now going to change. I got upset and Andy and Tom gave me a big hug, and i remember never wanting to let them go. 

Sadly, the inevitable happened and i never really did get to see the two people i had considered big brothers for so long. Tom ended up having two lovely daughters with Sonja and Andy met someone else and recently had a new baby. I never forgot all of the memories we shared though and hope i don't for as long as i live. 

RIP Tom Xxx

So as you can tell, since my sister told me the news, i've been thinking a hell of a lot. Since i became a Mom, my ability to empathise has been overwhelming. I found myself thinking not only about Tom and hoping he wasn't in any pain when he died, but also about his parents and his wife. I looked at Dexter and thought about only having him in my life for 26 years and having to watch helplessly as he passed away, unable to do anything to help. How painful it must be to bury your child. It breaks my heart to even think about how difficult it would be for me personally. I also put myself in his wife, Sonja's, position. I look at Lee and have absolutely no idea how i would cope without him. Not only because he is the father of my child but also because he is my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. Losing him would be like losing my right arm. Then there's the task of explaining to Dexter where his Daddy is. I know at the age he is now, it would be difficult to explain such a thing as he can't understand fully what i was saying or talk back to me. Sadly, Toms daughters are old enough to miss him, have memories with him and find it hard to understand why their daddy's gone. Which brings me to the title of this blog post. How do you tell a child about death? The truth is, there's no step by step guide or Haynes manual on how to help your children, or even yourself, deal with the grief and pain of losing someone who was so important in your life. It's something you never ever get over, but just gets slightly easier to deal with in time. I hope i am never in the position where i have to   break such bad news to my son, or have to do the unthinkable and bury my child. 

I only hope that you all hug your partners and children a little closer after reading this and thank God, or your lucky stars, or whatever you believe in, that you aren't in the position that Tom's family is in now. Tell them you love them each and every day, at every opportunity. You never know when it'll be the last time. 

Stay safe, Much love

Laura Xxx

PS. If you want to donate at all to help Sonja with Toms funeral costs, please click on the link below

http://www.gofundme.com/rfaxb4…

My 25th Birthday & Dexters First Easter!

So Friday 3rd April (or good friday) marked the beginning of my Birthday/ Easter weekend. Me, Lee, Dexter, My sister Lisa, My nieces Lili and Jazmine, My Nephew Joel and my Parents were all off out for a late lunch at a lovely pub, not far from Shugborough Hall. We normally go out on the evening of my birthday, which is actually the 4th, but my nieces and nephew were off to their Dads to celebrate Easter and on the 3rd Jazmine was off to see Nicki Minaj with her friend and Lili was sleeping at her friends house. Ahhh, to have the social life of a teenager! The food was really nice and i built my own burger (well...i picked items from the menu and the staff did all the hard work, but you get the idea!) I also suffered the obligatory bringing out of the birthday cake, which was candy crush themed! We then went back to my sisters house for a little while and drank rosé. My sister bought me a voucher to get my nails done, which i was over the moon with as my nails have been rather neglected since Dexter came along!

Saturday was my actual birthday! It still feels weird to say i'm 25. I remember when i was little and i thought if you were over 20, you were pretty much ancient. So, there i was on Saturday morning, being pretty much ancient and munching toast! I'd been dreading this birthday a little bit as i was going to spend it alone until Lee finished work. well, i say alone, i had the hyperactive cat and Dexter, who happened to be aggressively teething at the time. I was woken up nice and early at around 5.20am by Dexter yelling what sounded like drunken ramblings but i would say translated to "get me out of this cot, Mickey Mouse clubhouse starts soon!" 

Lee shot off downstairs and made me a cuppa and brought my prezzies and cards to me in bed. I got some lovely things!

My parents and Lee had clubbed together to get me an amazing macbook pro retina, so i could blog a lot more easily, and Lee also bought me the Sims 4 and a disc drive for my macbook. Dexter bought me Bill and Ted's excellent adventure and Bill and Ted's bogus journey on dvd as i love those films!
My parents also bought me some lovely Zoella soak opera bath soak, Zoella fizz bar, Zoella makeup bag (i love me some Zoella products!), You're the one that I want by Giovanna Fletcher (i read Billy and Me when i was in hospital having Dexter and it was amazing!) and a beautiful bracelet engraved with the words 'So...there's this boy who stole my heart...and changed my name to Mummy'. I also got some money from Lees' Mom and The Fault In Our Stars on dvd from Lee's brother and partner.

The excitement was too much for Dexter!

As i was saying earlier, i was meant to be spending the day alone but, luckily, my nephew came round and kept me company and Lee managed to finish work early, so Joel, Lee and i had a cheeky Macdonalds before he went back home. Lee and i were then meant to be going out for a couple of drinks but, as we were both absolutely knackered from Dexter and his mischievous gums wreaking havoc in the night, we spent the afternoon in our pyjamas in bed, napping and drinking tea!
The evening was, however, spent eating indian food and watching Saturday night telly which was nice and relaxing as i love eating a curry and not having to dress up and leave the house to do it! I think that might be my Mummy brain talking!

Easter!!
So the following day was Easter Sunday aka stuff as much chocolate in your mouth as humanly possible day! I hear that calories consumed on this day don't count...but i'm pretty sure with my track record of simply looking at food and putting on weight, i can safely say this doesn't apply to me! Dexter woke up quite early, but he obviously didn't have any chocolate eggs to open because he's far too little. I'm sure he would've gummed the living daylights out of an egg, but at five months old, he'll have to wait until next year! Lee and i had bought Dexter a few little presents instead. He had an In The Night Garden bedtime little library, full of tiny little books containing a story about each character on the programme,Tomy play to learn hide 'n' squeak eggs, which basically look like a box of eggs but double as a shape sorter and squeak toy and some Bright Starts activity balls which are colourful balls that each do a little something different! He seemed happy enough with his presents anyway, you always know he likes something if he tries to eat it and, let's just say, his new toys were covered in dribble within a few minutes!

After getting Dexter and ourselves dressed, we went downstairs where my mom had three bags of gifts waiting for us! Dexter had the biggest bag which contained some tigger socks, two David and Goliath baby vests, a Ramones T-shirt and a board book version of 'We're Going On a Bear Hunt'. My sister had left Dexter a lovely George (as in Peppa Pigs' brother) easter feeding set with a bowl, cup and spoon and little tiny easter egg (which ended up in our not so little tiny tummies) and a lovely little Peppa Pig teether with a hoop to attach it to his pushchair! Lee's brother Darren and partner Sarah bought Dexter a cute little feeding set too, with little Easter chicks and rabbits all over it! Needless to say, he was a very lucky boy!
Lee and i were bought gorgeous Thorntons chocolate eggs by my Sister, lovely Easter eggs by Lee's Mom and a few little gifts by my mom, as we were trying not to eat chocolate...but ended up stuffing our faces! My Mom bought Lee an 'Eat,Sleep,Conquer,Repeat' Brock Lesnar t-shirt as he's a big fan and i got a Chinese lucky cat. Yes, the kind that repeatedly wave at you! i've really wanted one for ages, don't ask me why!

The day itself was a lovely one, spent with family. We went to Lee's parents house for a meal, which was really nice, and spent some time with Lee's sister Michelle, her Husband James, their little boy Alex, Lee's Brother Darren, Darren's partner Sarah and obviously Lee's Mom and Dad! It was nice to have a little drink and a catch up with everyone. It was also lovely to see Alex noticing Dexter a bit more and smiling and pointing at him, just can't wait until they're both running around giggling together!
That evening,when we got back home, we spent some time with my parents, my sister and nieces and nephew after they got back from their Dads house. Then, after everyone had gone home, got into bed, ate lots and lots of chocolate and caught up on some tv!

On Tuesday, Lee and i decided to take Dexter out. Since we didn't go out for my birthday on Saturday, we decided to go to TGI Fridays in Sutton Coldfield and have a nice lunch! It was such a lovely, sunny day which was great because we needed to go and buy Dexter a sun hat after our meal and we didn't really fancy getting soaked in the process! We got there dot on 12pm, just as TGI's opened, so it was lovely and quiet when we walked in there! Lee ordered a banana milkshake, i ordered an Oreo one and we sat and looked through the menu. Lee and i both ordered the bacon and cheese taquito bites as our appetizers and Lee ordered the Monster 2.0 (which is a HUGE burger!) as his main. I couldn't decide, but finally opted for the BBQ pulled pork burger, which was lovely! Lee then realised he was immensely jealous of my Oreo milkshake and ordered one for himself! I, however, fancied something fruity so i had a 'strawberry fields' instead, which is a concoction of strawberry purée with apple juice, elderflower cordial, rose and vanilla syrup, topped with soda and crushed ice. As you can imagine, we left TGI's extremely full!

After all that food, we walked into Sutton town centre and visited H&M to try and buy Dexter a sun hat. After negotiating the lift with the pushchair, we had a good look at all of the caps on offer, but they were all far too big for Dexter's head! Just as we were about to give up, Lee and i both spotted some caps on the sale rail. After trying a couple on, we finally found one that fitted his head! It's a lovely, bright red angry birds cap and he looks so much older when he wears it! It looks as if he's going to be one of those people who suit hats...you either are or you aren't! I couldn't believe it was only £2!
After all the excitement of eating our weight in food and finding a bargain, we were far too tired and full to walk around any more! We waddled back to the car and went back home! 

I loved my belated birthday meal out with my little family and the fact that, for once, it wasn't tipping it down, was a real bonus! How did you spend your Easter? I hope whatever you did, you enjoyed yourself!

Until next time,
Laura Xxx